The first time we did in vitro, we got 6 good embryos. We used 2, with my age and reproductive health they didn't even want us to do 2, saying it was fairly risky that we would get multiples. We, of course, as you know, didn't get pregnant. This was back in June/July 2012. I got really depressed (I think I wrote all this before but I'm summing up just in case you are behind). I couldn't even think about trying again for a really long time, but we did have 4 embryos frozen with our doctors, waiting for us.
We decided when we did it for the second time we would just keep it to ourselves. We didn't tell anyone, and it was liberating in a lot of ways. It had been so devastating before, I just couldn't bear to talk with anyone about it again. It was important for us, Eric and I, this time, to just keep it between us. I think that was something we could control in the whole thing, and it suited us this time.
So we started in November of 2013, about a year and a half after the last time. The process with frozen embryos is invariably simpler than a fresh cycle. You don't have to do the shots, you don't have to take half the medications (okay maybe not half, but something like that). The process is shorter, too, because of this. You don't have extraction so there's no surgery. It's basically popping pills for a month or so and then they thaw the embryos and stick 'em in.
Although we had four frozen, two of them were not good enough to use in the thaw, so we put in two in my womb and we have none left.
We did it and waited the excruciating ten days before the test. I took a home test on Sunday, just because I had to work the next day so 1. if it was positive, Eric and I would have that moment where just the two of us in the whole world know that we are pregnant and 2. if it was negative I could be prepared to receive the phone call during work the next day. I took the test on Sunday and it was negative. I did cry. We weren't sure that it would mean not being pregnant, but I am glad I took it so that I didn't have my hopes up the next day.
Monday morning I went and got my blood drawn before work and then went about my day. If you think the ten days of waiting between transfer and test is bad, try the six hours of waiting form blood draw to phone call. It's twice as long as the former.
It was early December and luckily my boss asked me to run a couple errands for the Christmas party. Eric and I had lunch together, hoping that I might get the call when we were together. We had been apart about twenty minutes when I got the call. I was driving up to Cabelas to pick up a gift card, and the news, as you can tell by now, was that we were not pregnant. I am grateful for my nurse, she is kind and sweet and smart. She said they don't know what went wrong and they would try their best to study out some things we could maybe try to change for next time, and again, to call when we are ready to try again.
We did so much better this time, dealing with the grief. It's still there, sometimes. Not all the time. We are so happy and we have a lot of wonderful things going on in our life right now, but having a baby is just not one of those things we can add to the list. I am a roller coaster when it comes to this subject. Right now I feel really good, which is probably why I'm telling you this. At least once a month I spiral (I bet you can guess when). That's life though, right? We just have to learn to play the hand we are dealt, even if we have to bluff our way through it sometimes.
We decided when we did it for the second time we would just keep it to ourselves. We didn't tell anyone, and it was liberating in a lot of ways. It had been so devastating before, I just couldn't bear to talk with anyone about it again. It was important for us, Eric and I, this time, to just keep it between us. I think that was something we could control in the whole thing, and it suited us this time.
So we started in November of 2013, about a year and a half after the last time. The process with frozen embryos is invariably simpler than a fresh cycle. You don't have to do the shots, you don't have to take half the medications (okay maybe not half, but something like that). The process is shorter, too, because of this. You don't have extraction so there's no surgery. It's basically popping pills for a month or so and then they thaw the embryos and stick 'em in.
Although we had four frozen, two of them were not good enough to use in the thaw, so we put in two in my womb and we have none left.
We did it and waited the excruciating ten days before the test. I took a home test on Sunday, just because I had to work the next day so 1. if it was positive, Eric and I would have that moment where just the two of us in the whole world know that we are pregnant and 2. if it was negative I could be prepared to receive the phone call during work the next day. I took the test on Sunday and it was negative. I did cry. We weren't sure that it would mean not being pregnant, but I am glad I took it so that I didn't have my hopes up the next day.
Monday morning I went and got my blood drawn before work and then went about my day. If you think the ten days of waiting between transfer and test is bad, try the six hours of waiting form blood draw to phone call. It's twice as long as the former.
It was early December and luckily my boss asked me to run a couple errands for the Christmas party. Eric and I had lunch together, hoping that I might get the call when we were together. We had been apart about twenty minutes when I got the call. I was driving up to Cabelas to pick up a gift card, and the news, as you can tell by now, was that we were not pregnant. I am grateful for my nurse, she is kind and sweet and smart. She said they don't know what went wrong and they would try their best to study out some things we could maybe try to change for next time, and again, to call when we are ready to try again.
We did so much better this time, dealing with the grief. It's still there, sometimes. Not all the time. We are so happy and we have a lot of wonderful things going on in our life right now, but having a baby is just not one of those things we can add to the list. I am a roller coaster when it comes to this subject. Right now I feel really good, which is probably why I'm telling you this. At least once a month I spiral (I bet you can guess when). That's life though, right? We just have to learn to play the hand we are dealt, even if we have to bluff our way through it sometimes.
When I grow up I want to be just like you! You are actually doing the things we learned about from our leaders in conference today. You and Eric are an inspiration to me. I love you Holly.
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