make glemonade

It simultaneously reminds me of the biggest and smallest things . With the deaths I have experienced, I find that I can suddenly contemplate the metal making up a paper clip. But I also gulp as I watch the starry universe expand in my vision at night. I see generations of families spilling onto pages. I see the future and the past, the afterlife and the premortal. Perhaps it is not the biggest and smallest things, perhaps death takes hold on my comprehension of opposites. It awakens my sense to the other side of things. Off and on, darkness and light, fear and faith. It happens early. No one told me how young I would be when it started to creep into my life. And I don't think I'm the exception. The first person I remember dying and it really meaning something to me was a girl named Maura at my high school (I realize this is somewhat incriminating since my Grandad died when I was in 6th grade). I remember the day we found out at school, I was devestated. I was embarassed ...

Many of you are aware that Eric had his (potentially) last scan at Huntsman last week. He has been getting them at least once every six months since his BMT. With this clear scan, we won't have to worry about cancer anymore. For the most part. I don't know if I'll ever not worry about it. This is an image from one of his very first scans back in 2009. When we left this week we asked to have them for our records. I saw it as a personal history thing, they saw it as planning for future doctors. Yeah, sure, whatever. Just as long as we have the pictures. The lighted up portions of the picture show activity from the cancer. Yeah. Scary?!?! We are ecstatic to announce that the scan this last week was clean and we will not ever have to do that again, unless he starts getting symptoms. Heaven forbid. Besides the recent infertility concern, we don't think about this part of our life together very much. It is like a sloshy, groggy, bad dream cloud that hung over us for awhile ...

I get equally anxious and excited everytime I think about the what some would call the Apocalypse. Maybe 98% scared, 2% excited, or 98%excited, 2% scared... I genuinely believe in the apocalypse (or in other words the Second Coming) but I, like everyone else, have no idea when this day will come. Eric does not think it will be in our lifetime. I think it might. I hope not when we are really old. Mostly because of this reason: I would like to be in that category.

So, when your husband gets sick, all you think about is him getting better. There are no other thoughts, so we quickly became grateful for doctors that simply told us what to do. We did it all. We bought flannel sheets so it would not hurt his head. They told us the best route for financial assistance, so we filled out piles of paperwork. They told Eric not to eat for 24 hours before [fill in the blank] test, so he didn't. They told us to freeze some sperm, just in case, before he started chemo therapy, so we did. It was a really awkward and amusing experience, really. One we are happy to tell you in person. I remember talking to the chemo nurses, particularly one, I don't remember her name but she loved 80s music, skiing, and Eric. She said people have kids all the time after they go through chemo. I don't even remember why we were talking about it. It was something at the very beginning that scared me, the thought of it causing infertility was one of my biggest fears abou...

You guys. How do I explain? I can't. We are doing pretty good. We got a goat. It's not a kid, I think she is full grown. She may or may not be pregnant. She stays at Jeff's. We haven't named her yet. Feel free to make suggestions. I just want to find the right one. I have worked so much this fall that I feel like everything else has taken the back seat. I can't speak for Eric, but I watch him put everything in to everything he does with little reward. We are weary. Isaiah 40:28–31 Yes, I know.

It seems like everyone stops blogging in the summer, and I say good for us! I say good riddance to blogging when it's gorgeous outside. We've got to use the time while we can. However, I can feel school and fall in the air, starting the beginning of last week. It just happened, just like it always does. For E and me, it has been a rather uneventful summer. We have been working our butts off and that's about it. I think it's been difficult for both of us. This may be the first time we feel like we didn't accomplish what we set out to do. But we worked really hard so I guess that is something. We did do a few things: In it to Win It indoor soccer team (DBA In it to Win In-- a misread registration form leading to a name that doesn't make sense on the schedule and our ID cards). Yes, I played on an organized athletic team. Please don't die of shock. And anyways, I resent your surprise, I played volleyball in 7th and 8th grade AND got the MVP award for the JV tea...

First of all, are you wondering if someone has been spamming our blog somehow? The answer is no. A lot of the stuff Eric wants to put logos on has to have a url address (I don't know if that is the correct lingo) instead of just physically uploading a picture, so we have been using the blog to create links in order to upload photos. Lame. I know. I guess that means I am assuming you all stand captivated, awaiting the next brilliant post and that we are disappointing you each time there is a rustle of movement on the blog. I guess. But I know I love when you all post something fresh, so I am going to stop punking you and start writing. I have been thinking a lot lately about things. Bah ha. What else would I be doing? What else would you be doing? The weather is finally getting nice. The mountains are greening, the sky is blueing, the birds are crapping all over my jeep. I went to drive to work today and they crapped all over the driver's seat. That's it. Not the hood, or t...