make glemonade

This weather. It always makes me laugh, the way we coo and fawn over any weather. My facebook and instagram have been littered with screen shots of weather apps, and I fain gratitude as if I, as if all of us, didn't have a weather app or access to the internet. But still, the first time it snowed here in Utah this season, that was different. Everyone posted a picture, but I was actually grateful, that there truly is a kid in each of that stops in wonder at the first freshly fallen snow, that forgets that mid-January we will despise the polluted piles on each parking lot median. And here we are today. The sun is out, the inversion it (mostly) gone, and the horrible road conditions of the past few days are forgotten. 28 degrees feels like 50 (yesterday), and I'm dreaming of summer.  The sun is shining. And the sun is not setting all the way before 5:30pm. I forgot how real the winter time blues are. Man. Go soak up some sun today while you can, because I didn't realize ho...

I have nothing philosophical for you today, just want to catch up on our comings and goings. This fall-turned-winter has been an absolute blur, but it has been a welcome change. Summer-turned-fall was slow and heavy. October was probably my last bad month. I got sick twice. Not to be a huge whiny baby, but it was a nightmare! I feel so bad for people that catch colds easily. I (almost) never do, and I was a train wreck. I went to Montrose for  Conference Weekend , by myself. I can't remember why Eric couldn't come (work?), and while I wanted it to be a restful weekend I was sick and hated driving. We went to Chicago which was amazing. The pics are on facebook, it was too much to blog. One of my dearest had her baby. The only baby boy in my life and I love him. Then I got sick on Halloween so every time I see the picture of me in my costume at work (I was Smurfette) it makes me feel sick. How does that happen?  Same sickness, but into November I flew to Phoeni...

As weeks go, the 52nd week of the year is one of my favorites: between Christmas and New Years. You get the opportunity to reflect on the year you are finishing while anticipating the fresh start and the things to come. I was expecting something very different out of 2012. When we started the year, we had recently discovered are inability to produce spawn. It was a freshly opened wound, but it stayed for awhile. I tried not to take a lot of time to think about it. But I thought about it all the time. It's so draining to constantly think about something that you can't fix and can't control. I specifically remember a conversation Eric and I had with one of his sisters. She and her husband have a really hard time getting pregnant, and she just asked us what we were waiting for? If we knew we had only one option for biological children, why wait? And I knew we just had to go for it. Why waste time thinking about it when we knew other things wouldn't work? So around Ma...

Well, when I see the quote run around the internet that "the best things in life aren't things..." my initial reaction is 'that doesn't make any sense. Obviously if you are thinking of something that isn't a "thing" then you should not be using that phrase'. BUT instead of being a brat, I will just get the point. Yes, my family are my favorite things. And let me tell you the reasons why: My dad is very brave. He works tirelessly and always has to provide for our family. He has sacrificed a lot of things, including, to a great extent, his social life, his hobbies, to keep our family going. I am so proud of him. He also sacrifices his own time serving in church, and has for a long time. My dad is also an excellent listener. He is wise, and weighs out what you say and gives his advice, then let's you decide. I think what I really admire about my mom is that she always seems to be true to herself. I don't know if she has ever said somethi...

So my mom asked if we could do blog topics, in order to foster the growth of a healthy blog. These are her topics for September, and I immediately fell behind. And in order to catch up (for which I am actually not under any obligation) I am going to do them all at once and quite late at night. I may wake up tomorrow and find this was a bad choice. That what i find amusing at this hour will not be nearly as amusing at 11am. But nevertheless.  WEEK 1: Tell us your superhero name and power WEEK 2: Your LEAST favorite thing to do WEEK 3: What almost always gives you goosebumps WEEK 4: If you could instantly be proficient at anything, what would you choose? I don't know what my superhero name would be, but I think it would start with The. Like The Scar! Yes, that's it (before I figured this out I typed The Awesome, The WonderHol, and the UnKnife...  not some of my best ideas). And I'd like to be able to heal people, things (get it?! the scar?! like as in I healed them so I...

"What the... you're NOT my MOM..." "Oh. It's okay, you're my Aunt Holly!" Dressed and ready to go on Friday. Check out the kicks. Everytime I turned around she had stole another apple from our box of apples we keep on the floor... hmmm.  I kept putting it on the counter and Eric kept moving it back to the floor. Trying to make her feel at home by eating breakfast on Saturday. A tradition for the Guz  Fam. Saturday "Is that me?" "It is me! Yay!" As only babies do, she somehow figured out how to change the camera on  my phone to all white. But look at those pretty blue eyes. Sunday Morning Nap. Football Football... More Football My living room last night. This may not seem disastrous to others but it gave me major anxiety. She was all over the place that night. ...so obviously I gave her an otter pop to calm her down. I loved my weekend playing mommy. It was h...

With the blog challenge and a few other things, I realized that I haven't actually posted about our happenings since March. And even then it was solely an update on Eric's scan. If Peggy (my late mother-in-law) were around she would say, "Tell me about Holly". She always asked the questions that I didn't want to answer. Things are hard right now. I know I haven't written anything about our  struggle with infertility since... December?  On the one hand, I can't believe it has been that long since we started trying to figure out this baby thing. On the other hand, this summer felt like it was twelve months long. The pain that has accompanied this process  trial is far more than I ever could have anticipated. Mostly emotional, some physical. It is damaging. It has been damaging from the get-go. And my only hope is that it won't always be damaging. I do see in my mind a picture of me, with 2 or 3 kids someday (thoughts of a big family have been dashe...