Now, Let Me Explain.

So, when your husband gets sick, all you think about is him getting better. There are no other thoughts, so we quickly became grateful for doctors that simply told us what to do. We did it all. We bought flannel sheets so it would not hurt his head. They told us the best route for financial assistance, so we filled out piles of paperwork. They told Eric not to eat for 24 hours before [fill in the blank] test, so he didn't.

They told us to freeze some sperm, just in case, before he started chemo therapy, so we did. It was a really awkward and amusing experience, really. One we are happy to tell you in person.

I remember talking to the chemo nurses, particularly one, I don't remember her name but she loved 80s music, skiing, and Eric. She said people have kids all the time after they go through chemo. I don't even remember why we were talking about it. It was something at the very beginning that scared me, the thought of it causing infertility was one of my biggest fears about the whole ordeal. But it quickly ebbed as we continued trying to get rid of the cancer.

Sometime this summer Eric was paying the bills and we were due to pay for our specimens to be held another six months. We sat and nonchalantly debated having them thrown out. They cost money and Eric is so healthy now.

I've thought about that day about 100 times in the last month. I don't know why we didn't toss them then, but I am so grateful that we didn't. Right now it looks like they are our only shot to have our own babies.

We decided to start trying to have a kid about 5-6 months ago. Eric had a scan last month anyway so we figured he might as well get tested so we could know what we are up against. He got the test done probably two months ago but we couldn't be bothered to call and get the results, with so many other things to occupy our time. When Eric finally called they told us they could not give results over the phone, so he drove up to get them.

The test was bad. I mean, on a scale of 1-30, he was a ZERO.

Our doctor said it won't come back. I know nothing is final. I do know that. But it doesn't feel like that right now. The stuff we have frozen up in SLC isn't super great either, but it's all we have for now. So we are trying to figure out how we are going to have a kid or two. Someday. Or now.

I know we have always kept a positive attitude, but this is very hard to deal with. We don't know how to feel. Hopeful. Anxious. Depressed. Unbelieving. Annoyed. Ready. Reckless.

There is a large part of me that does not want everyone to know all of this. But I feel like I would want to know if the role was reversed. There are still things that it effects. It is gone but some dregs remain, and sometimes they weigh us down.

Eric's scans are always clean. And with PTCL, the chances of it returning decrease significantly after two years, which will be this March. Eric's doc is so excited that she is literally going to fly back up to come to his check up in March, even though she will have moved to another job by then. We are so thankful. We have learned so much and honestly, until now, we rarely have thought about it in the last year or so. Our lives have moved on so much.

We will be fine. I just want to have a kid. And then more of them.