As weeks go, the 52nd week of the year is one of my favorites: between Christmas and New Years. You get the opportunity to reflect on the year you are finishing while anticipating the fresh start and the things to come.
I was expecting something very different out of 2012. When we started the year, we had recently discovered are inability to produce spawn. It was a freshly opened wound, but it stayed for awhile. I tried not to take a lot of time to think about it. But I thought about it all the time. It's so draining to constantly think about something that you can't fix and can't control.
I specifically remember a conversation Eric and I had with one of his sisters. She and her husband have a really hard time getting pregnant, and she just asked us what we were waiting for? If we knew we had only one option for biological children, why wait? And I knew we just had to go for it. Why waste time thinking about it when we knew other things wouldn't work?
So around March we went to meet our fertility doctor. He works out of LA most of the time, but travels to UT to work with our other doctor here once every few months. It was cut and dry. They were very confident. Well, we all were. I'm not infertile. That's the great news about it. It's a weird situation, not like a lot of other infertile couples. Because if my mother and sisters are any indication, it should be pretty quick and painless for me to get knocked up.
We scheduled in vitro fertilization for the next time he'd be in town. We used our savings and sold our Jeep to get a family friendly car (it's all coming together, isn't it?). Started the process in May, took the pregnancy test beginning of July. It was wild. I wrote to the baby(ies). I have a picture (of the embryos). We put in two, against expert opinion. We were told one was best given the high chance of pregnancy. But we just couldn't justify the money for just putting in one. So we did two and we waited.
I know other women that have gone through this. I don't pretend I'm the only one. But I cannot describe to you the loneliness that accompanies this entire process. And those two weeks were an absolute nightmare. I was supposed to get a call, by noon at the latest. And I waited until 2:30. Every minute crawled by slower than that last that day. My anxiety was indescribable. And I got the call and it didn't work. And we both knew it, Eric and I. We already knew. But we didn't want to know.
I talked to the nurse for about a minute. She told me to call them back once I'm ready to try again, and I haven't called them since.
The rest of the year was hard. That's why. I'm sorry I haven't been completely honest with you until now. It was a very hard thing. I knew I'd make it through, but it was touch and go for awhile. I mourned for several months. But things are getting better.
Our outlook has changed a bit, so we are taking this extra time alone to enjoy each other's company and the world before we try again.
I look back on this year and there are many things I am happy to leave behind. But it's another year of experience that I will carry with me forever.
We had some good things happen, too. We went to Mexico for the first time. We went to Chicago. We saw the Beach Boys in concert (ha! yes this is on the good half of the list). I had three nieces added to my aunthood. We went to Denver in June and spent time with my family. We saw a US Women's soccer game. Olympics (just on TV... don't get too excited). Lots of cool stuff. It feels like a lot of it was experienced under water, but still good memories.
This week is my favorite because of all that potential in the upcoming year. I know 2013 will be better. It will be full of travel and time with Eric and maybe we'll try to have a kid again. And if it doesn't work it'll be ok. It'll be easier. Maybe. But if not, I will know that I can make it through, and that it gets better again.
I'm going to see Justin Bieber in January. We already have a trip to Hawaii planned for February (this is courtesy of my work, but a great start to our plans to carpe diem).
And Eric got me MUMFORD AND SONS tickets for Christmas. And the concert is in SCOTLAND! And I've never been more excited for something in my life.
In SCOTLAND.
We're really doing it this time.
I was expecting something very different out of 2012. When we started the year, we had recently discovered are inability to produce spawn. It was a freshly opened wound, but it stayed for awhile. I tried not to take a lot of time to think about it. But I thought about it all the time. It's so draining to constantly think about something that you can't fix and can't control.
I specifically remember a conversation Eric and I had with one of his sisters. She and her husband have a really hard time getting pregnant, and she just asked us what we were waiting for? If we knew we had only one option for biological children, why wait? And I knew we just had to go for it. Why waste time thinking about it when we knew other things wouldn't work?
So around March we went to meet our fertility doctor. He works out of LA most of the time, but travels to UT to work with our other doctor here once every few months. It was cut and dry. They were very confident. Well, we all were. I'm not infertile. That's the great news about it. It's a weird situation, not like a lot of other infertile couples. Because if my mother and sisters are any indication, it should be pretty quick and painless for me to get knocked up.
We scheduled in vitro fertilization for the next time he'd be in town. We used our savings and sold our Jeep to get a family friendly car (it's all coming together, isn't it?). Started the process in May, took the pregnancy test beginning of July. It was wild. I wrote to the baby(ies). I have a picture (of the embryos). We put in two, against expert opinion. We were told one was best given the high chance of pregnancy. But we just couldn't justify the money for just putting in one. So we did two and we waited.
I know other women that have gone through this. I don't pretend I'm the only one. But I cannot describe to you the loneliness that accompanies this entire process. And those two weeks were an absolute nightmare. I was supposed to get a call, by noon at the latest. And I waited until 2:30. Every minute crawled by slower than that last that day. My anxiety was indescribable. And I got the call and it didn't work. And we both knew it, Eric and I. We already knew. But we didn't want to know.
I talked to the nurse for about a minute. She told me to call them back once I'm ready to try again, and I haven't called them since.
The rest of the year was hard. That's why. I'm sorry I haven't been completely honest with you until now. It was a very hard thing. I knew I'd make it through, but it was touch and go for awhile. I mourned for several months. But things are getting better.
Our outlook has changed a bit, so we are taking this extra time alone to enjoy each other's company and the world before we try again.
I look back on this year and there are many things I am happy to leave behind. But it's another year of experience that I will carry with me forever.
We had some good things happen, too. We went to Mexico for the first time. We went to Chicago. We saw the Beach Boys in concert (ha! yes this is on the good half of the list). I had three nieces added to my aunthood. We went to Denver in June and spent time with my family. We saw a US Women's soccer game. Olympics (just on TV... don't get too excited). Lots of cool stuff. It feels like a lot of it was experienced under water, but still good memories.
This week is my favorite because of all that potential in the upcoming year. I know 2013 will be better. It will be full of travel and time with Eric and maybe we'll try to have a kid again. And if it doesn't work it'll be ok. It'll be easier. Maybe. But if not, I will know that I can make it through, and that it gets better again.
I'm going to see Justin Bieber in January. We already have a trip to Hawaii planned for February (this is courtesy of my work, but a great start to our plans to carpe diem).
And Eric got me MUMFORD AND SONS tickets for Christmas. And the concert is in SCOTLAND! And I've never been more excited for something in my life.
In SCOTLAND.
We're really doing it this time.
Ever since I joined the ranks with "the infertile," it has really opened my eyes to how many couples actually struggle to get pregnant. No one talks about these things, it seems! But so many people face this challenge, and we all feel alone at some point. My personal struggle was allowing God to lead me (because he was leading me to adoption, which was scary). Letting God have control is the toughest lesson I've ever had to learn. Anyways, YAY for Scotland! That sounds amazing! 2013 will be awesome, I'm sure. :) Good luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteFreaking Scotland. I'm so jealous. And way to be brave and lay it all out there. Not usually like you, but I can see this as a chapter closing and opening a new one. Bring on 2013!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Holly. Lots of love your way. Enjoy Scotland though!!
ReplyDeleteHolly, I just love ya and miss your guts. You are such an amazing writer and I really appreciate your honesty in your writing. We're rooting for you and Eric and are excited for you to go to Scotland and Hawaii. We need to do a trip together! How does NYC sound?
ReplyDelete