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IVF

I've just been thinking and what am I if I'm not honest with you? I guess I'm just not really living unless I'm being 100% honest... and... my real name is Fat Patricia.

This is what is really hard about our infertility:

We are really happy. We are living a great life, with good jobs, wedded bliss, good friends, family, food, vacations, concerts. Pretty much whatever we want, we do. We are young by most people's standard. 

The problem is if it isn't broke, why fix it? 

Why would we go and try to do this expensive, draining thing again, with either result? "Oh my gosh," I know half of you are thinking, "Don't you want to have kids? Isn't that the happiness you are looking for?" Yes. It is. And the other half of you are thinking, "Get it, girl! YOLO and you have plenty of time. Your time will come. Just enjoy this while it lasts!" And yes, I know that is true as well. 

So here is my beef: with IVF I have to decide when I want to try to be pregnant and then a mom. When I have friends and family that get knocked up as soon as her husband's shorts hit the bed post, what I envy most is the lack of planning. That's one of the most amazing things about sex, and that has been taken away from me. Our natural instinct makes the decision for us, for many. And then the pregnancy comes and like it or not, it's happening. So you deal with it in whatever way you can: fear, excitement, frustration, joy. It is coped with or celebrated and apple-peaches-pumpkin pie-if you're not ready too bad that baby is coming and you will love it and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to you and you'll just keep living. 

For me there is no apple-peaches-pumpkin pie. There are visits and shots and things you don't want to know about and I don't really care about the romance being cut out of creation, that I can deal with separately and I do. And I work hard to still connect the two. What I can't deal with is having to say go. 

It takes so much mentally to give that green light. And then last time, after that it didn't even work. So you prep and plan and buy a crib and changing station (yes, we did--- it was just a good deal). Then you have to sell it later and hate yourself for planning. You walk by the room with that door always closed but you still know it's in there. Your husband gets it out as fast as he can but we are human, and the ghost skeleton of a nursery haunts you. We moved. So this might be the first time I actually remembered that since it happened. 

Right now I feel like just living, and waiting for an Act of God to really make it happen. I know it does. I know He can. I am beginning to understand how Enos, Alma, or Jacob might have felt, wrestling with the Lord. It's a comfort to know that not everything came easy for them either, and that sometimes it's okay to have to work hard to work out your path. 
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Comments

  1. it's a mahan thingApril 29, 2013 at 4:29 PM

    Wow. Profound and thought-provoking. About spewed my water when I read the whole "shorts hitting the sheets" line. You rock!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holly GApril 30, 2013 at 10:27 AM

      I think I may have got that line from Grandpa...

      Delete
  2. Brady and BrittanyApril 30, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    Love this so much...Although I've never done IVF, I completely agree when you say "That's one of the most amazing things about sex, and that has been taken away from me." Yep! Love ya Holly!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holly GMay 28, 2013 at 11:19 AM

    Britt even without the IVF, I know you completely understand. You guys are the best.

    ReplyDelete
  4. BeckyJuly 11, 2013 at 4:57 AM

    I read your post a few days ago and can't stop thinking of it, I love your honesty and can understand some of it. I don't want to offer unwelcome advice, you can just ignore this but I wanted to let you know what we are doing right now and that it just might be an option for you. We are doing IUI that can be done when the women is healthy but they have a hard time connecting. They inject the sperm in and it is a lot cheaper than IVF. You may already know about this and if so I'm sorry for butting in, but I just felt like I should share. Email me if you want to talk. Petersonbs@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

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