I feel like I've had nothing to tell you for a long time. I want to say that we are just not experiencing a lot of adversity, and adversity is, ironically, easier to write about. That's the weird truth of it, and the weirder thing is most people seem to prefer to read about the stuff that's going wrong.
Maybe it's not you, maybe it's me. If I tell you things are really good, how do I make it sound like I'm not trying to present a perfect life? Online it's so easy to project an image of only the best moments, the pinterest-worthy things. But what if things just are pretty good? Sometimes I'm so afraid of being judged it drives me insane. I'm so afraid I'll offend someone, I over-apologize, I over-explain when people give me compliments.
I feel like I've ended up with an independent struggle. A lot of people deal with infertility, but there are two problems. The first is it's not common to talk about it, so you end up feeling really alone through it all. When a conversation does start up about it, it begins with an empty 'my friend so-and-so, or my sister-in-law can't/couldn't have kids', usually followed by a story that feels so far away ('but then after xx years, they ended up with 7 kids all at once!'). It's supposed to make you feel like there is hope. You blink, force a smile and say, "Yes, that's great! I'm happy for them!" which means "I know I'll probably have kids some day, but your attempt to help feels more like you're trying to discount my current pain, and I'm sorry. And 7 kids at once sounds like another nightmare. I wish I could tell you what would make me feel less alone. It's not you, and I'm not mad. Thanks for trying."
===================================
Days later... I don't know what the "second problem" is with infertility that I was thinking of. So much for deep thoughts.
Sometimes, when you talk about the fact that your life is pretty dang good, things happen. Eric keeps getting kidney stones. He has always got them. The first one I experienced with him was when we were engaged, we had just moved to Vancouver and he was the only person I knew. We were at his sisters and he was just laying on their floor, writhing in pain. I was sitting on the couch with literally nothing to say and feeling utterly helpless. We walked outside when he could walk, but we walked across the yard just as a couple was walking by with their dog, and Eric looked at them, laid down, and puked.
So he's had them several times since we've been married, but the last few weeks it's been off and on stones, and it's exhausting. I feel so bad for him. He is someone who doesn't complain when he's in pain, which is the kind of person I aspire to be. But it's a nightmare. He got up to go see a doctor on Monday morning and his car wouldn't start. He opened the hood and was staring into the eyes of an unspecified rodent. The thing chewed through some wires. He has rigged it so it's driving now. But he walked over to the Instacare (it's across the street, don't feel too bad). They gave him some pain meds and x-rayed to see what he's up against (several more, one really big one that's blocking things up, but seems like the pieces are breaking off). The meds take the edge off, but it's been a rough week.
Still, the bad days are few and far between. And it's our 7 year anniversary this weekend. I've heard year 7 is a tough one, but we technically just finished year 7... is it supposed to be the 7th year or the 8th year?? Anyone? Just want to know what I'm up against. Either way, none of the other marriage stereotypes have held up for us, so I'm not losing sleep.
Maybe it's not you, maybe it's me. If I tell you things are really good, how do I make it sound like I'm not trying to present a perfect life? Online it's so easy to project an image of only the best moments, the pinterest-worthy things. But what if things just are pretty good? Sometimes I'm so afraid of being judged it drives me insane. I'm so afraid I'll offend someone, I over-apologize, I over-explain when people give me compliments.
I feel like I've ended up with an independent struggle. A lot of people deal with infertility, but there are two problems. The first is it's not common to talk about it, so you end up feeling really alone through it all. When a conversation does start up about it, it begins with an empty 'my friend so-and-so, or my sister-in-law can't/couldn't have kids', usually followed by a story that feels so far away ('but then after xx years, they ended up with 7 kids all at once!'). It's supposed to make you feel like there is hope. You blink, force a smile and say, "Yes, that's great! I'm happy for them!" which means "I know I'll probably have kids some day, but your attempt to help feels more like you're trying to discount my current pain, and I'm sorry. And 7 kids at once sounds like another nightmare. I wish I could tell you what would make me feel less alone. It's not you, and I'm not mad. Thanks for trying."
===================================
Days later... I don't know what the "second problem" is with infertility that I was thinking of. So much for deep thoughts.
Sometimes, when you talk about the fact that your life is pretty dang good, things happen. Eric keeps getting kidney stones. He has always got them. The first one I experienced with him was when we were engaged, we had just moved to Vancouver and he was the only person I knew. We were at his sisters and he was just laying on their floor, writhing in pain. I was sitting on the couch with literally nothing to say and feeling utterly helpless. We walked outside when he could walk, but we walked across the yard just as a couple was walking by with their dog, and Eric looked at them, laid down, and puked.
So he's had them several times since we've been married, but the last few weeks it's been off and on stones, and it's exhausting. I feel so bad for him. He is someone who doesn't complain when he's in pain, which is the kind of person I aspire to be. But it's a nightmare. He got up to go see a doctor on Monday morning and his car wouldn't start. He opened the hood and was staring into the eyes of an unspecified rodent. The thing chewed through some wires. He has rigged it so it's driving now. But he walked over to the Instacare (it's across the street, don't feel too bad). They gave him some pain meds and x-rayed to see what he's up against (several more, one really big one that's blocking things up, but seems like the pieces are breaking off). The meds take the edge off, but it's been a rough week.
Still, the bad days are few and far between. And it's our 7 year anniversary this weekend. I've heard year 7 is a tough one, but we technically just finished year 7... is it supposed to be the 7th year or the 8th year?? Anyone? Just want to know what I'm up against. Either way, none of the other marriage stereotypes have held up for us, so I'm not losing sleep.
I haven't ever had a kidney stone and hope I never will. One of the things I really appreciate about both of you is that you bear difficult circumstances well. I'm sure there are moments when you just want to throw in the towel and give up - but don't. It will get better. Be strong for one another.
ReplyDeletePadre
I laughed out loud when I read "I know I'll probably have kids some day, but your attempt to help feels more like you're trying to discount my current pain, and I'm sorry. And 7 kids at once sounds like another nightmare. I wish I could tell you what would make me feel less alone. It's not you, and I'm not mad. Thanks for trying." because I understand that feeling and those thoughts all too well!
ReplyDeleteAs for kidney stones, I feel so bad for Eric! I've never had or been with anyone who has experienced them, but it sounds completely miserable!
I always joke with Brady that we are approaching the "7 year slump" so we better prepare HA! But I just like to joke. I don't think our marriage is very typical either, and for that I am grateful. I'm not sure if it's the 7th year or after the 7th anniversary...PS Happy anniversary! :)
I LOVE when you write!! I feel like you say a lot of things that I feel, but can't put into words. Love you!
I just read this. I know we've talked since, and about this topic, but I just want to add my voice in saying that I understand. It is hard to write about things that aren't going well without it sounding like whining or a plea for sympathy. It is hard to write when things ARE going well without it sounding like bragging or selfishness. But anyone who knows you at all cannot possibly think that of you. So vent. It helps. And share the good stuff. It makes us all feel better.
ReplyDeleteYou are funny even when you're sad. And what you said about over explaining when you get compliments (like your cute skirt the other day) is something I think a lot of people do.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks when people "try to relate" and can't. Super hard. I'm glad you were able to interact with some people who could truly relate after this last round. Sending all the vibes, crossing all the fingers and praying to anyone who will listen that things go well next time!